Monday, January 29, 2007

And that's that.

This is my last post.

Last night I had a short look at a couple of blogs. I see people are still slagging me off. Using my name. Really? After 3 weeks of me not saying a thing??

I'm over it.

Yes, I have been terribly hurt by what has happened. I started having a panic attack last night just seeing mention of me. I have lost a 'community'.

Someone said to me that most feminists online do not seem to want to stand by rape survivors. I brushed that off, but now I think it may be true to an extent. I don't know why that would be.

I'm not attacking anyone. I am lonely and sad I cannot be a 'part' of the blogs anymore. There's been an overwhelming wave of hatred aimed at me and little support.

I was enjoying learning about feminism. I will continue to learn about it myself. I'm very concerned for the future of feminism however. The internet could be an awesome way of educating people about feminism. Unfortunately a lot of the feminist community online has been hijacked and it's just a hurtful mess.

I ask this:

Please stop hurting me now. I feel like I curled into the foetal position and you just keep having a go.

What fucking power did I ever have?? I was just a person trying to defend the dignity of rape survivors.

Whenever I try to speak up - even in the most justifiable situations, I am torn down for it and pushed back in my box.

What could I do but respond to the derogatory comments I saw written that day?? Sit back and take more abusive crap - from women, no less?? From feminists??

Yes, I am angry about the situation. I have effectively been silenced, though I know it is my own decision to leave. The fact I cannot stay because the risk of me being harmed is so great due to some people who actually do want to hurt me, is beside the point. Though part of me doesn't think it should be 'beside the point'. Part of me thinks people who like to hurt others should be accountable. I've learned throughout my life that it is seldom the case however. All I can do personally, is move on and try to forget about it.

I took my e-mail off here a while back so nobody can contact me. I am fine and don't worry. I'm always fine, as my family knows. Sometimes it is hard but I always get through regardless. That is a given.

My life is a lot easier and more productive when I am not online looking at destructive bullshit. That is why I am leaving.

Take care and good luck.


Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sunshine and Roses

I've been told someone has asked about me.

I am good, thank you :)

I hope people are taking care of themselves out there.

I've realised there's a lot to be said for being silent. Sometimes.

It can give oneself a chance to regroup and ponder your own truths (unhindered) and ultimately grow... instead of fighting and dissipating your power and strength.

That is how I feel right now, anyway. I have no idea what is going on out in blogland at the moment but I've heard it's not happy.

Some people enjoy being very viscious online. Thankfully, it is easy enough to switch off a computer and walk away. Doing that takes away their power.

It is possible to block antagonistic and sadistic people out by simply ignoring them.

Putting effort into 'educating' people who do not give a damn (and actually never will) is such a terrible waste.

It can draw you in to a spiral of feeling frustrated, and then angry... and pretty soon you end up behaving in a rather similar fashion to the behaviour that upset you in the first place. Then, the people who enjoy causing mayhem point to you and say 'See! You're just like me! Hypocrite.'

Then you feel shame and like you have no right to stand up to injustice.

None of us are all sunshine and roses on the inside.

I do believe that some people start off with good intent, and some people start off with destructive intent, however. I am only interested in knowing people with good intention at the heart of what they do.

How to tell if somebody comes from a place of good intent, or destructive intent?

It's quite simple really. One word ('sorry') doesn't cut it. If a person says sorry and they feel guilt or shame when they have behaved badly, that is only because they know hurting others is wrong, they can empathise with how they must have made the person (or people) feel and they don't like what they did to cause it. Then, a person with good intent will try to change themselves to prevent that kind of thing from happening again. Change is not always fast, but the willingness and the effort is there. People who are truly sorry will look inwards for solutions instead of continuing to fling arrows at people around them.

People with destructive intent may say the word 'sorry' but then never express any feelings of self responsibility... often the person they hurt got upset, and they are 'sorry' they got upset - but actually still feel they themselves did nothing at all to cause it. People with destructive intent will say the words they know people want to hear, but then they will launch straight back into hurting people again. Sometimes they will try to make the people they hurt in the first place feel guilty, by implying 'The way you got upset about the abusive things I said/did has really hurt me.'

Funnily enough, this kind of manipulation is very effective in making people with good intent feel terribly guilty and shamed. This is how the destructive person cuts a path through life... silencing people by making them feel like they have done wrong. Only people with good intent are capable of feeling such guilt.

See also: Sociopath

I say this not to be clever. It is a fact there are many sociopaths in this world of ours. It's important to know how to deal with sociopaths and how to spot them as well. I am thankful to meet these types of people online instead of in 'real life' where I'm sure they would not be so overtly abusive (at least not to start with) and therefore are more likely to suck people in.

I have always believed in the importance of intent and I will continue to do so.

Take good care,